I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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