I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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