my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
