i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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