oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
