if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
