She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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