Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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