In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
