You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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