im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
