My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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