Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
