no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
