I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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