I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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