Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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