now i know why i became what i already was.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
and you fell through a lawn chair
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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