I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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