i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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