The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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