Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
