fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
