I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
