i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
