I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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