we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
