did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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