Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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