2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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