Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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