what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
