Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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