I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
