How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
