its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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