Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Shame is for Republicans.
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