if you like me you must not know who I am
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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