Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just pee around me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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