he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
