My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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