I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
