Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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