apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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