I wish you could order shots online.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
