Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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