There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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