My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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