I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
