I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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