I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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