this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
