Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
