ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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