im so drunk with asians
where?
always
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
