Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
