my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
