This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
