i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
